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| Image by Sarah Cramer Shields |
The final days and weeks of pregnancy are always somewhat anxiety-ridden for me. The discomfort of full term sets in, as does the frenetic push to identify and finish what is important before the family grows, the rhythm of daily life is changed and the needs of a newborn become paramount. I have always had a strong nesting instinct in pregnancy, an urge which at times drives me and all around me a little mad. These twin pressures — on the body and on the heart — can make the final stage of pregnancy feel burdensome at times.
This is likely the last time I will have this experience. I have said before that it is an honor, and while that may sound trite, I can think of no better word for it. I know there are many who wish to experience this process and cannot or do not, and those who may have wished to do so more times than they were able. I am so very fortunate. Moreover, as others have observed before me, it is not often as parents, or in life, that we are able to know that we are encountering something for the last time. The fact of that is often only revealed in retrospect. I am using this awareness as my touchstone in these final days. There is part of me that is not at all ready to move past this stage of life, this time of newborns and babies and toddlers, of promise and wonder, wrapped as it might be in noise and mess and chaos.
But it is time. Since we began on this parenting journey more than six years ago, with the birth of Jonas, we have been building a family, one that we are now days from completing. It is time to do so, to gather all our babies in our arms and greet a New Year all together. It's time to move forward to the next stage, when we are raising this brood and building the life that will allow us to do that.
Rasa, we await your arrival. Your brothers and sister have known about you for months now and the excitement to make your acquaintance is nearly boiling over.
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| Image by Sarah Cramer Shields |
Your oldest brother, Jonas, has vivid memories of your sister Nida's birth; he fully understands how our family will grow with your addition and he couldn't be more excited. He wants to help care for you and has Big Plans for all that he wants to teach you. In him, you will find a buoyant, kind soul who has boundless inquisitive interest and energy for life. He will be your guide, your role model, your Big Brother, and he will relish every bit of it.
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| Image by Sarah Cramer Shields |
Your brother Silas, meanwhile, will be your protector. Si runs at life with abandon; his fears are few and far between. He, too, is inquisitive, though in a less verbal way than his big brother. He is also very observant, curious and capable. And while he may seem to be in his own world — and often is — you will also find that he is more tuned in than you know. When you want a friend to be engrossed in a game or an activity with you, Silas will happily be your partner. His has a love of the present hat so few of us can manage, and sense of humor that keeps us all grinning. I hope he retains these abilities and can continue to share them with you and your siblings for the rest of your lives.
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| Image by Sarah Cramer Shields |
With your birth, Nida will transition from the youngest sibling into a big sister. Although she cannot fully grasp where you are now and what your addition to our lives will mean, she is sincere in her excitement — as she is with so much of life. Nida is a combination of her brothers — the cerebral intelligence of Jonas mixed with the goofy playfulness of Si. She will love the role of big sister, and while she adores her brothers, I think she will quickly find the pleasure of having a sister to share her life with, as well. In learning how to be an older sibling, she can have asked for no better role models than Jonas and Si.
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| Image by Sarah Cramer Shields |
In the coming weeks, you will have two parents caring for you day in and day out, but your daddy will be a constant figure. In March of this year, he and I began a new part of our journey as partners and as parents — putting our efforts fully into our own business in order to create our livelihood. This has meant that your father has also become the primary parent during the workweek, shuttling your brothers and sister to various activities, teaching them school at home, creating the household's daily rhythm and caring for the homestead's needs as well.
When you are curled up in a carrier in a month, asleep in the late afternoon while dinner is being prepared, it is daddy's chest upon which you will have your head. You are one lucky, lucky little girl.
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| Image by Sarah Cramer Shields |
As for me, you are my last baby. Yours is the last birth that I will anticipate. When you are drawn out and held up before me, it will be a moment of awe that will echo backward in time to the births of each of your siblings, but it is not a moment I will have again. Each of your firsts will also be my lasts, and that knowledge will at times be a heavy one to bear.
And yet, as the last baby, you also have the opportunity to complete our family. You gain a household of five people who can't wait to meet you, to help you, to love and care for you. Soon we will hold you. We will know your face and voice; we will know your presence and smile. Your personality will unfold slowly — a magical flower that will awe us with each revealing petal.
Thank you for joining us, for filling the role you will step into. I promise to celebrate all your firsts, even when a little corner of my heart twists with the duality of my lasts. There must always be a last. I am so grateful that for me, it is you.
Love,
Mommy
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| Image by Sarah Cramer Shields |
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